Monday, February 3, 2014

Finally "Okay"

I've written a couple of times about my broken engagement in 2011, and how big of an impact it had on my life, both personally and in how I approach relationships now. 

And how, since then, it's continued to really rattle me, quite often. 

I do think reevaluating my relationships with my family, friends, and romantic partners was a really important thing, and I'll forever be thankful that, no matter the impetus, I did that work. I feel like I'm surround by a group of people who truly care about me, for me, and, equally importantly, themselves. 

I have amazing friends. 

And a great living situation for the first time in a long time. 

And a better relationship with my family. 

And I'm done with those who aren't on "Team Amber."

And all of that is amazing. 

But for the past 3 years, I've teared up when I saw wedding magazines. I've thought about my ring and what I should do with it a lot - and not in the financial or aesthetic sense, but the emotional one. Whenever a guy at a bar didn't want to talk to me, or didn't notice me, or a date went badly, or a boy didn't text, I would get upset and think that it was me* and that because I hadn't even been able to convince my ex to marry me, I wouldn't ever find anyone. 

Fuck that.

No really. 

I rationally know that that's not true, and that I need to be okay, because, while we're friendly now, my ex is not worth spending this many years crying over. I'm better than that. 

(*Sometimes it is me. I'm a loud, sometimes obnoxious, snippy, weirdo at times. But I'm interesting!)

Rationally knowing something is a little different from feeling it.

For example, you can convince yourself you're warm, but actually feeling warm is totally different.

So imagine my surprise, when, last week, I woke up one day and actually FELT "okay" rather than just telling myself I was "okay." 

It felt great.


It felt fan-fucking-tastic.

Understanding how sad I could be, how bleak the world could look, made me realize how good the happy times are. I won't say I'm "grateful" necessarily, but I'm sort of weirdly glad I got such a great life lesson. 

Of course I'm still sad sometimes. Of course I'm a little more cautious about trusting people. Of course.

But finally. For the first time since October 2011. I don't feel damaged. 

I'm not broken. 

And it's AWESOME.

I'm ready to date again (anyone got a setup for me?!) and I'm ready to be open to new friends and I'm ready to just be happy.

I really like myself. And it's nice to be back. 

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