Monday, January 14, 2013

Weird things happen to me...

This is a verified, witnessed, fact. I can make friends/conversation with anyone, even when I'm not trying.

Saturday night I went out with a couple of my girlfriends, AL and K. (I'll come up with more inventive pseudonyms at some point.) We went to a local Irish pub then hit up a dive bar down the street.

Now, these are the same friends who went to the infamous burlesque show with me (in which I won a free hair cut/color and made us a ton of new hot, single friends, then got left downtown with no house keys, car keys, or anything but my phone, which died, my ID, and 5 dollars - luckily this story has a happy ending, but everyone totally thought I was dead for about 24 hours) so they've seen the "weird shit" magnet that I have. Still, we were all surprised.

First, when we walked in, I ordered a PBR. Now, PBRs at this bar come in tall cans, so, about a quarter of the way through, because I'm a lady, I had to pee. I go in the bathroom, and this woman, about 35-40 maybe, comes in right after me. I go in the stall, and as I'm making room for more deliciously classy beer, I hear the woman talking. I think she's talking to me, until I make out what she's saying:

"Oh my god!"
"Holy shit!"
"I can't believe this!"
"Holy Lord!"

I think she's having some problem, I'm going to have to apologize for being not that kind of doctor, but then, as I walk out of my stall, she literally flings the door open and runs out of hers. This is when I realize that 35-40 was either hateful or very generous. I honestly couldn't tell. She had dry bleach blonde hair with black roots, caked on make-up, way too much eye stuff, a black mesh tee over a tank, and a miniskirt that was shorter than I would ever wear in public, with black heeled boots. Now, I think people should wear what's comfortable, I was in a tank, jeans, ballet flats, and a cardigan, so this wasn't sexy time for Amber or anything. But this was just so odd, combined with the muttering, that I just stood and stared. She left, I washed my hands, reapplied my signature lipstick, and headed back out.

So I tell my friends what was up, and we all laugh, and are mutually confused, and settle into our beers. About 10 minutes later, I look over, and Bathroom Mutterer is making out, high school style, with this kid who cannot be older than 27. And is HOT. Drunken bar makeout leads to them leaving together.

Beyond the general ickiness of making out in bars (see The Lumineers, "Classy Girls" for my take on kissing in bars), it was just so odd. First the muttering, then the weird matchup, then the slutty leaving. I mean, do what you do, get it girl, all that, but was she exclaiming because he was so hot? Because she was having some medical issue? Because she realized how short her skirt was? No clue.

Then, because many beers had been consumed, we noticed this guy at the bar who had bleach blonde hair and a dark brown beard. So, of course, I asked him if he dyed it (yes), what color he used (a very specific number from Sally's), and if he was gay (I didn't straight out ask him this, but he implied no). Then he ordered me a beer.

THEN, because we were at a tall table, people were using the edges of it to hold their stuff. Nice looking guy (NLG) and his friends (two of whom were freakishly identical twins dressed alike...) put their stuff down. NLG's beer looked interesting, so we tasted it. And he said it was okay.

So, I'm not sure if this means that I'm overly friendly, or that weird social situations surround me, or that my life is one long series of strange things one after another, but it was an interesting Saturday night!

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